Truly Bad Films

Monday, August 22, 2005

Catholic Lessons

So, I've signed up tp take Catholic Lessons. I don't know if I'll get as far as actually joining, but I expect the lessons to be kind of fun in themselves.

My "teacher" looks just like Flanders on the Simpsons - except he doesn't wear glasses. And he doesn't talk like Flanders either, which is a little sad because I think having Flanders teach me Catholisim would be pretty memorable.

"Remember: To show our affection, we do a genuflection!" he could tell me.

But what is it with Very Christian Men and mustaches? It's not like I only know one - I know a busload of Very Christian Men who also wear mustaches. Outside of gay men in the 70's, the next largest mustache wearing population, in my experience, is the Very Christian Man.

But, come to think of it, I also know some Vietnam vets who sport the Cookie Duster. The one I'm thinking of at the moment Pep and I call Dai-Uy, which means "Captain" in Vietnamese. Dai-Uy has the bluest eyes I've ever seen, not counting my father's. He was a helicoper pilot in the Nam . . . and, for all I know, he might be a Very Christian Man. He certainly has the mustache.

But none of the Very Christian Men or Vietnam Vets I know wear the Fu Man Chu. Maybe it's too much like the extraordinarily sensual Van Dyke. My father insists that the Van Dyke never be spoken of as a "goatee." Goatees are for goats. Men wear Van Dykes! But not Very Christian Men. A Very Christian Man can't have a thing like that sitting on his face, now can he? He has the missus to think of and WWJD? Jesus had a regular beard and not one of these "manscaped" female titillation devices. So, for the spiritually committed, its a full beard . . . or a sensible mustache. And nothing else.

Not one of those Salvador Dali abominations with the waxed tips . . .

And none of those pencil-thin Bob Dylan/John Waters jobs . . .

Captain Beefheart's is the standard . . .

. . . forever and ever, amen!


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