Truly Bad Films

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Fallout: Chai-rista's Predictions

Now Updated!
When all the New Orleans disaster players have been weighed on the scale, who will go to on to enjoy 72 virgins in this lifetime, and who will be tossed into the pit of the alligator-faced god of damnation?

Here are my early early predictions:

Eddie Compass: For incredible devotion to the public good in an impossible situation - Eddie should get 72 Virgins for that alone. But add to that his historical/literary reference to his men standing strong like "the spartans at Thermopylae" in a televised interview and you have a true champion, through and through. 72 times 72 Virgins!

Ray Nagin: Gets points for cursing and crying on the radio, but he wouldn't have had to do that had he been pro-active in preparing his town for destruction. Where were the stockpiled provisions? The Llama Butchers rightly ask, "Why didn't he mobilize the poorest people with school buses?" I bet people would still have stayed at home in droves. Even so, at that point he could have said, "I tried!" It makes no difference in the end, however, because he loaded tourists from a hotel onto the bus out of hell ahead of people who'd waited for days in the horrific conditions of the SuperDome. Virgins or Alligator for Ray? Alligator for sure!

Kathleen Blanco
: Points for crying on tv, but too little too late. Ray asked for martial law on Tuesday - the same day Mississippi declared it. Kathleen, for whatever reason, didn't get it done, thus delaying vital Federal help for days. Virgins or Alligator for Kathleen? Alligator grins!

Mike Brown: No points for anything. Chertoff wouldn't even let him talk on tv anymore after Paula Zahn gave Brown a free colostomy. Who ever gets the job next will have to network with local and Federal agencies to nail down effective communication tools and a useful chain of command. I'm sure Mike couldn't manage a lemonade stand. The Alligator already owns him!

Michael Chertoff: The tap dancing giraffe. See how beautifully he "shuffles off to Buffalo?" And what a spin. Dorothy Hamill couldn't have done better. Who knew a giraffe could do that? What a performer! He's so greasy you can't pick him up. Certain to thrive in Washington for decades. 72 Virgins!

Lt. General Russel Honore
: Practically promoted in every way. 72 Virgins!

George Bush: As Defective Yeti said, "BRINGS MUCH NEEDED HUGS, FROWNY FACES TO NEW ORLEANS - BELEAGUERED CITY'S DEPLETED SUPPLY OF PLATITUDES ALSO REPLENISHED." What can I say? Is he better than a Frenchman with a foreign-born shrew for a wife as president? Probably. But, as far as I'm concerned, he's only here because the Dems didn't run anybody electable. To be fair, he gets many points for not having his shaft waxed in the Oval Office AND for not burning religious wackos alive. For Dignity in Comportment he scores "Satisfactory." And he can't be hurt too much since he's not up for the job again. So, he gets 72 Virgins!


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