Truly Bad Films

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Cannolis Blew Their Last Chance

Lots of people love cannolis. I've heard people talk about cannoli like it's God's only dessert, sent to save our tastebuds from Oreos. "Oh my Gaaaaad! Cannolis! I love cannolis!" I've heard people say. "I can't believe we're having cannolis!" And to this I say, WTF?

Maybe I've never had the best cannolis in the world, but I'm hear to tell ya, from repeated experience . . . Cannolis suck! The cannoli proper is annoying on my palate, like a mouthful of parchy leavings from the bottom of Rover's treat box, and glue on a Sam's Club envelope has more succulent flavor.

Then there is the filling to contend with. Sometimes it's fluffy and other times it's more of a creamy-turd consistency, but either way, it never tastes like anything other than sweetened pig renderings. "Whipped lard in a low-cal dog treat" explains everything the uninitiated need to know about cannolis.

So, when I was handed a plate of cannolis after lunch on Saturday I looked askance at the platter stacked high with the funnel shaped comestibles. "Oh my Gaaaad," one of my table companions gushed. "Cannolis! I love Cannolis!!!"

I hesitated before I took one. It was, I decided, cannoli's last chance. I bit into it. Yep - there it was, the stale, flavor-free crumbly dog matter flaking into my mouth like Satan's fried mulch. And then the cold lump of lardy filling excreting from the small-end of the cannoli across my tongue like a big squeeze of nature's best Vaseline.

It was exactly as I remembered it. Fragile, bland and free-range clear of any merit what. so. ever. I hate cannolis and they have blown their last chance with me!


At 2:31 AM, Blogger Velociman said...

Ha ha! For a moment I was scared the topic was going to be "Cannolis Blew The Fambly Goat". I eschew Italian in general, because you can't make out with a mouth full of garlic. I love garlic. But I love making out more.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Chai-rista said...

They did blow the family goat! And then they went after the beagle. But since I'm a gaddam lady I don' tell that story in public.

At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Lisa said...

The only ones I've ever had tasted like almond extract, and you can take your almond extract and stick it where the sun don't shine 'cause that stuff is what the Devil eats. Almond extract can kiss my ass.

(But almonds? Yummy. What's up with that?)

At 6:26 PM, Blogger worshipnaked said...

Hahahaha!! The classic combination: gross AND funny!!


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