Truly Bad Films

Friday, March 10, 2006

Beer Belly

GaelGirl sent this one in - It's advertised as a "Removable spare tire that serves a stealth beverage." The product is called the Beer Belly.

Here, you can see the Beer Belly in full deployment:

The copy says you can take this thing on a plane, and maybe you can, if you tell security it's a urine bladder for your catheter. But I have serious doubts you'd get it on a plane, even with Wackenhut's finest on duty.

The more I study it, I'm not sure it's a real product. Take a look at the "Tips and Tricks" page. Tip #2 seems to miss not only the purpose of the product, but it also demonstrates an abysmal grasp of potential female customer motivation. It says:
We understand that girls aren’t exactly fired up to sport a gut… even for a good beverage. So we suggest wearing your Beerbelly with overalls. We guarantee that if you don’t wear anything but your Beerbelly and overalls, guys will be falling over themselves to get some.
Eh-Hem! Since no woman in history who ever wanted "some" had to wear a Beer Belly and overalls to get it, I have to assume that this text is not really aimed at women. Also, if we take "guys will be falling over themselves to get some," to mean, in at least one sense, that guys will want to share your beer, that's another reason not to wear a Beer Belly. You're wearing the Beer Belly so he doesn't have to? Right.

Any woman wearing overalls and nothing else to a ballgame will have guys falling over themselves to "get some" even if no Beer Belly whatsoever is involved. In fact, if the beer bellies are real and come attached to either the guys or the gals, this has in some cases proved an effective way to get "none" instead of "some."

Tip #6 says:
For the best look, wear a button-down shirt. For some extra realism, make sure you’ve got some exposed crack in back.
OK - now we know the company is just whistling Dixie about anybody getting "some." If this a guy wearing a Beer Belly and exhibiting his crack problem, he's going home with his foam fan-hand and an empty Beer Belly sack, alone. If it's a girl . . . well, if its a girl she might still get some - but since he drank her beer, she'd better stay on top or she's getting a shower called Suds and Spuds Revisited. Never let a Beer Belly drinker on top, ladies!

If they really want to cultivate female customers, they need to come out with Beer Bosoms. Gals would generate Pamela Anderson-levels of attention and carry twice the capacity of the Beer Belly for twice the Pick Up Power. It would be a support garmet and a beverage container all at once: sport bra meets Nalgene bladder! Just slide a pair of fiercely erect BodyPerks up front and you're good to go from the stadum bench to the F-150 bench in the time it takes to burp a jalapeno nacho. And if you sneak into a bathroom stall to pour the beers for your new friends, at final score, everyone will be so drunk they'll never notice your chest lost three cup sizes between the National Anthem and the horn. Go team!


At 12:57 PM, Blogger GG said...

Great take on this Chai!!! I was wondering how this will affect(usage?) the beer industry at MLB games. I mean I can just see Bubba walking into the stalls and pouring some Pabst Blue Ribbon into his "Bladder" in lieu of paying $4.50+ for a stadium cup o' beer.
I also wonder how or what you do with it when it's empty...I mean what if the guy or gal beside you isn't drinking and notices that your gut (or girls) do go down 3 sizes??? Just a thought! ;)

At 3:48 PM, Anonymous Pep said...

A whoopie cushion and a few real-life belches should fix the stomach-size problem.

"Geez, I was really bloated there for awhile, but now I feel much better!"



At 7:37 AM, Blogger GG said...

Pep: lol...I was thinking it may up some sales on "slim fast". Of course the whoopie cushion idea isn't so bad either! :)

At 1:35 AM, Blogger Sid F'er said...

Sure, the marketing is cheesy and your points are well taken, but I have to say it really isn't a bad idea. I might have given this a shot back in my drinkin' days.

The "Pleasure Extender" accessory sounds a little dirty, though.

At 10:07 AM, Blogger Chai-rista said...

Hey Sid:
You're right. Just reading the words "pleasure extender" in the copy traumatized me into non-responsiveness about that aspect of it. Even now I can't really handle it . . .

At 9:54 PM, Blogger bobgirrl said...

Guys, making your date wear the beer belly is kinda like making her carry all your crap around in her purse. Get your own damn purse!

(I am continually scared by the "words" that come up during word verification. I just got "exifpg." That is so fitting for this comment! I think there is a ghost in the word-verification machine.)


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